Five Guilt-Free Tips for Saying ‘No’

Are you one of those people who just can’t bring themselves to say, “no”? Perhaps you’re intent on pleasing everyone.

Problem is, if you always agree to requests from others; If you always say “yes” even when you have a packed calendar, you’ll end up with frazzled nerves and burnout.

Saying “no” can be empowering — it’s a sign that you can be assertive and that you respect the need to preserve your own well-being.

Saying “no” is a sign that you’re needs matter too, so, in essence, when you feel sufficiently empowered to make a polite refusal, you are actually sending the message that you matter. It can be about self-respect. It signals to others that you have boundaries.

Here are five guilt-free tips for saying “no.” These tips can easily be applied to all kinds of circumstances: saying “no” to social events or volunteer commitments for example.

Tip 1: Don’t beat around the bush

When someone makes a request and you want to say “no” – Keep your response short and simple. Don’t go into lots of detail. Don’t make a list of excuses about prior commitments.

When you create lengthy excuses it conveys the message that you are nervous or feeling guilty and the non-verbal messages that accompany your “no” send messages that you’re mind can be changed. Skip elaborate explanations.

Say simply something like:

• Thank you for asking. Unfortunately, I’m already committed on that day.
• Unfortunately, I’m not in a position to take this on. I do thank you for thinking of me.

Avoid the temptation to give complex explanations. Instead, repeat variations of:

• I have a schedule conflict.
• I’ve already committed to be somewhere else on that date.
• I have too much on my plate right now.

Eventually, the person asking will move on.

Tip 2: Buy some time

If you’re caught off guard, buy some time. Simply say something like:

• I’ll check my calendar and get back to you.
• I’ll need to check with my partner and let you know.
• I have a feeling that there is something else in my calendar for that date. Let me check and get back to you.

By politely delaying your answer, you’ll have some quiet time to weigh the pros and cons of getting involved and prepare a thoughtful response. If you struggle to say “no” face to face, you can always respond with a polite email later. It may even be that, once you have a quiet moment you may decide that it’s worth agreeing to assist.

Tip 3: Propose an alternative

Rather than say a hard “no’” you may like to suggest an alternative. For example:

• I’d love to catch up for lunch. I’m in the midst of getting ready for my trip right now. Let’s schedule a coffee catch up once I’m back home and settled again.
• My schedule is full at the moment although I should be able to make an hour available next week.

(Note in this case you’re being very specific about how much time you can allocate).

Tip 4: Pass the batten

There is something self-flattering about thinking we’ve been asked to do something because someone else thinks we’d be good at it – that our help is uniquely invaluable. The truth is that the person asking you to do something is more likely intent on getting something they want done rather than utilising your specific talents.

So don’t delude yourself. Begin by making a clear refusal and then suggesting someone equally suitable:

• I can’t do it, but X might be interested.
• I’m flattered that you’ve considered me for this project. I’m not in a position to help out this time. I suggest you ask X. He’s a very capable person I’m absolutely sure he is the right choice for this job.
• My schedule is so busy at the moment and this job requires more time than I can offer. I know you’ll like the work that X does. I have his contact details here. I suggest you give him a call.

Tip 5: Drop out

If an acquaintance is persistently trying to sell you something or get you involved in a cause you’re not interested in pursuing, you may have to “bite the bullet” and disengage. This is particularly so when you have a sense that someone is regularly taking advantage of you; refusing to take “no” for an answer; or when you’re beginning to feel “used”. The reality is that sometimes people want you involved in their lives only because it suits their purpose. Use your best judgement here. Do you want to address the issue and so maintain the relationship? The alternative is to “walk away”. Simply let your silence speak for itself.

If the relationship is worth preserving – if you genuinely value your friendship or business connection with them, you might just be very forthright and say:

• Look I really value our relationship and I know [this cause / project] is important to you. I’m sure you will appreciate though that it’s not something I’m keen to be involved with.
• I’m keen to see you do well with your new venue; it’s not a business proposition I could ever see myself involved with.

 

Look at it this way: If someone gets irate at your sane, reasonable, elegantly articulated refusal, they are probably not the kind or friend or colleague you can rely on to support you when it comes you’re time to ask for their support.